So, I know it’s been a hot minute since my last post, but I’ve found myself in a position I’m quite unfamiliar with. I wanted to share my struggle while in the middle of it. I’m very vulnerable right now… My heart hurts… Satan is attacking me hard.
I’m always “that” girl. The one standing firm on the rock. I’ve never wavered in my faith. I only find ways to see God’s point of view and pray harder. Life doesn’t get me down, and if it does, those moments flash by.
But today and for a few yesterdays, I haven’t been able to find “that” girl. I lost her. I spent all of my Monday crying. If I was awake, I was in tears. I even left my bible tear-stained and wrinkled. If someone speaks to me, asks how I am, I can’t even muster up the little white lie of “fine”. I just have to nod and walk away, end the conversation, OR cry right through it.
I started having the best week ever. I met so many wonderful, Jesus loving, light shining people on tour. Each one touched my heart in some way. I was so blessed to be given insight and guidance toward my future.
In the moments ending my time with that last tour, I found myself wrecked, emotional, and lost. As hopeful as I once was, I crash landed into a pit of discouragement, selfdoubt, and fear.
I know, I know… Like no one has ever felt this way before. But this time, it was me, the one who never falters, falling flat into despair. Music, my friends, my family, and even diving into the Word have not lifted me out. I know my only healer is going to be Jesus. He just hasn’t saved me from this yet. And if I’m still in that place, I know my God has to be refining me. He has to have me in the fire, only to prove I will walk out victorious. Jesus was not sacrificed on that cross for me to live my life according to satan’s lies.
I know the truth, living it is just harder than I would wish it to be. But I think that’s the beauty in the prayers I’ve remembered praying. You know the scary ones. The prayers that ask God to make me into who He needs me to be… Prayers begging for the allowance of me serving Him…. Prayers in this very moment of Him to allow me to suffer as long as it takes. BUT my worldly view has me wanting to scream out to Him to stop this storm immediately. I want to be healed RIGHT NOW! I just know that is never going to help me, it is never going to push me into my destiny or His will over my life.
Anybody reading this who is in their turmoil, you are not alone! You are in a moment specifically designed by satan to take you down, but taken over by our God to make you a new creation and to learn to rely fully on His love. Do not doubt His love for you. Do not doubt your worth. Do not doubt the future planned for you is greater than your imagination can design.
I have learned that satan attacks hardest when we are closest to our breakthroughs. I’m ready for the beauty on the other side of this pain, but I’m also ready for what the Lord has to show me. I want Him to do work in and through me.
I have so many pieces of scripture for study and peace during this time…
O God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in your sanctuary and gazed upon your power and glory. Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I praise you! I will praise you as long as I live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer. You satisfy me more than the richest feast. I will praise you with songs of joy. I lie awake thinking of you, meditating on you through the night. Because you are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely. But those plotting to destroy me will come to ruin. They will go down into the depths of the earth. They will die by the sword and become the food of jackals. But the king will rejoice in God. All who swear to tell the truth will praise him, while liars will be silenced.
Really you can find so much of God’s love anywhere in Psalms! Study it, live in it, love in it, find peace in it!
My prayer is very simple for this day, if ya’ll wanna pray it with me:
All I can say is Lord have Your way in me.
In Jesus’ Name.