I had to offer up some seriously broken stuff to God. I mean leave things right there at His feet and not look back. I couldn’t actually comprehend the weight of the things I carried around in my heart and soul. Bitterness, unforgiveness, confusion, self loathing, and mostly a girl who was trying to figure it all out when she knows better!
I had really been withdrawing. I noticed, maybe others did too. But not just from writing this blog, from a lot of areas in my life. My heart hurt. For a long time, I couldn’t put my finger on the source. Obviously, it wasn’t a single source, but there was, and always is a simple solution healing to the pain. My God has me in the palm of His hand, He will teach me through my pain, and though I may not like it, slowly may go the process.
As I started digging through my hurt, I started discovering so much about myself, much I long to change, much I thank God for as He works through me, and much I look forward to.
Let me be honest here and tell you about a few situations that God used to show me the source of my pain and lead me straight back to Him!
I had a situation with a former friend, and it wasn’t an ending on good terms. I was hurt, financially and emotionally. For the longest time have been under the impression this was just a part of my past. The other night, however, I realized, I was not healed, at all. When her name was brought up in conversation, I had no problem talking about her, the situation, and even saying hurtful things about her. I got home, 20 minutes after this conversation, sick to my stomach, knowing that is not who I want to be. If I am ever going to be the person God calls me to be, I had to forgive her, forgive myself, and make a stand to not give into gossip. We are called to love our enemies, but I wanted to take it further, I no longer wanted her to be my enemy. Right then and there, I released it all! Bitterness, I carried around for 2 years. Unforgiveness, that had been draining me for 2 years. And a stronghold satan had been using against me! No longer would I be a slave to that situation.
I’m not saying it was easy. And there were a lot of tears. Truth is I may have even argued with God about how I thought I was still right at the beginning, but that was never going to get me anywhere. I felt so much lifted off of me. Something I didn’t even know was dragging me down until I let myself get caught up in my own tangled webs of gossip and bitterness.
I had surgery a few months ago. Successfully had my gallbladder removed. The poor little blob had already died before the surgeon even got to it and was causing me a great level of discomfort. The pain associated with the surgery was minimal, a slight complication in healing but I was back to work before I knew it. God had me! I never had a single doubt during the entire process. Funny though, when it comes to money, the doubt can start to creep in. Even after insurance, I was left with quite a hefty bill and it is just recently that the insurance dust has settled so I could see the bottom line. I had told myself over, over, and over… The Lord has always provided, this time will be no different. Unfortunately, my mind and heart had been disconnected. I knew it, but my heart could not feel it. Then it hit again. My uninsured mother went in the hospital, 4 separate ER visits. Thousands of dollars I could just imagine piling up in mind, but I never had a doubt in my mind about her healing. I knew my God would heal her, the way He healed me because that who He is. And He did. He is good, He is great, the Glory is His. So why would I stress, doubt, or be in limbo about a few bills? I couldn’t figure it out. Its not like a different God handles each area of my life.
It was then He put a fresh new perspective on my life. Think of all the miracles Jesus performed. He didn’t just heal the sick. One day He provided food for 5000, then He walked on water later that night! My focus has to always be on the fact that He is my God, my provider, my love, my answer. It does not matter the need, just that He is there! When I give my life, my problems, my anything, my everything to God, He blesses it all. Again, more weight was lifted.
And this where I dive into Mark 6. Something about “Jesus Walks on Water” that always moves my soul!
Mark 6 : 30-56
Jesus Feeds Five Thousand
30 The apostles returned to Jesus from their ministry tour and told him all they had done and taught. 31 Then Jesus said, “Let’s go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile.” He said this because there were so many people coming and going that Jesus and his apostles didn’t even have time to eat.
32 So they left by boat for a quiet place, where they could be alone. 33 But many people recognized them and saw them leaving, and people from many towns ran ahead along the shore and got there ahead of them. 34 Jesus saw the huge crowd as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.
35 Late in the afternoon his disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. 36 Send the crowds away so they can go to the nearby farms and villages and buy something to eat.”
37 But Jesus said, “You feed them.”
“With what?” they asked. “We’d have to work for months to earn enough money to buy food for all these people!”
38 “How much bread do you have?” he asked. “Go and find out.”
They came back and reported, “We have five loaves of bread and two fish.”
39 Then Jesus told the disciples to have the people sit down in groups on the green grass. 40 So they sat down in groups of fifty or a hundred.
41 Jesus took the five loaves and two fish, looked up toward heaven, and blessed them. Then, breaking the loaves into pieces, he kept giving the bread to the disciples so they could distribute it to the people. He also divided the fish for everyone to share. 42 They all ate as much as they wanted, 43 and afterward, the disciples picked up twelve baskets of leftover bread and fish. 44 A total of 5,000 men and their families were fed.
Jesus Walks on Water
45 Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and head across the lake to Bethsaida, while he sent the people home. 46 After telling everyone good-bye, he went up into the hills by himself to pray.
47 Late that night, the disciples were in their boat in the middle of the lake, and Jesus was alone on land. 48He saw that they were in serious trouble, rowing hard and struggling against the wind and waves. About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. He intended to go past them, 49 but when they saw him walking on the water, they cried out in terror, thinking he was a ghost. 50 They were all terrified when they saw him.
But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage! I am here! 51 Then he climbed into the boat, and the wind stopped. They were totally amazed, 52 for they still didn’t understand the significance of the miracle of the loaves. Their hearts were too hard to take it in.
53 After they had crossed the lake, they landed at Gennesaret. They brought the boat to shore 54 and climbed out. The people recognized Jesus at once, 55 and they ran throughout the whole area, carrying sick people on mats to wherever they heard he was. 56 Wherever he went—in villages, cities, or the countryside—they brought the sick out to the marketplaces. They begged him to let the sick touch at least the fringe of his robe, and all who touched him were healed.
Finally, I am still facing a struggle. Elliott is our family dog. He is 11 years old, but suffering with congestive heart failure. I am sure many of you can relate to a pet being just like part of the family. He is treated just like a tiny little human, all 11 pounds. I do not want to get into a debate of dogs going to heaven or not, because just like my other family members that have been saved, I believe he will meet me on the other side of the blue when that time comes. He is perfectly innocent and loving. Dealing with grief and God’s plan for life and eternity are not always easy but His plan is so good. I would never want Elliott to suffer. I am so thankful for all of the years God has given us with him. It certainly doesn’t change the hurt but knowing He has a plan for my little guy, I’m comforted. I think about heaven, a place where we will be with Jesus, all animals will walk side by side, I can’t help cry. And it is not because I am sad, but I am overwhelmed.
At first, I couldn’t figure out why I hurt. God help break me down, and break the situations down for me, so I could see my need for Him in it all. Even when I do believe, He needs me to give it ALL to Him 100%, no matter what!
I know I am changing, because I long to change. I want more of Jesus. I want to be more like Jesus. I want every situation in my life to be touched by Him. I don’t want to feel hurt, lost, or withdrawn and if I ever do I want Him to be who heals me.
I have been facing the enemy lately, but I have NEVER been alone, EVER!
Life is broken. But God’s mercy falls on us. This world is broken. But we are saved by His blood. We will all be vulnerable to the enemy’s attacks, they come in many forms. The Lord will use them though, for the good. I rest in the Father’s arms right now, you should too.
Please pray with me….
Lord, You know we all hurt sometimes. The enemy attacks us. Situations become overwhelming. We live in unrest. But You God, You will take all of those situations and turn them into good. You will show us how we can be better, more like You. You will heal us. Have mercy on us when we cannot see. Please help us to surrender it ALL to You, even when it hurts. Thank You Lord for EVERYTHING!
In Jesus’ Name